(ΦᴥΦ) pocket thoughts

Fall & Winter favorites

Ahh..my dear blog, I have once again neglected you..(*ﾉωﾉ) The past 4-6 months have been a lot but I'm finally back so here's a 2-for-1.

Media

Favorite song/s

Buckle up cause we got a lot. /╲/\╭( ͡°͡° ͜ʖ ͡°͡°)╮/\╱\

Starting with a most recent like, FKA twigs Girl Feels Good gives me Madonna Ray of Light jujus and I adore it. Such a dainty sounding song, rubs my brain real good.

I discovered this song on Dec 18 and I still listen to it daily. I am obsessed.... I want to be a devil women (/ =ω=)/

Sometimes Spotify actually slaps and hits with a recommendation I'd only expect to find on youtube.

On that note, idk how I'm still discovering new Thom Yorke music. I fantasize of doing a pole choreo to one of his songs... ( ◡‿◡ *)

I'm pretty sure my brain has an orgasm everytime I hear this song („ಡωಡ„)

I feel like every season Lexie Liu ends up here and I feel blessed everytime she releases a new album

Is emo Mimi making a comeback.. I discovered julie on a whim and I adore her voice.

One of my pole instructors (that I adore..) has pretty similar music taste when it comes to synth pop/darkwave and I discovered this song and Computerwife from her and I love that (and I'm too shy to tell her this hehe)

John Summit's releases have been so good, this song just gives me summer energy. I think a part of me would fly off to heaven if I heard this outside on a nice warm summer day..

And we got some warehouse techno slowly creeping its way into my likes.. idk how I feel about hard(?)dark(?) techno. It's nice in little bits, otherwise it's a little too spooky for me..

I've also been hurling my neck and head to this classic. Honestly with everything going on in the world I think we need some Rage Against The Machine energy (ﾉ_ヽ) One of these songs that I fantasize doing a pole choreo too.. like how out of character would it be lmao

Favorite Album

I'm glad I discovered Boy Harsher as I was looking for a song called "Pain" to use for a pole clip lmao. I even had the pleasure of dancing to one of their songs as one of my instructors also loves them (and I'd like to think I re-introduced her to Boy Harsher hehe, or I can dream............)

Favorite Shows/Movies

Favorite Games

Experiences

Pole

What a gift pole has been.. genuinely, I don't know where I would be right now without it. Probably in a 20x worse headspace. I finally have a home studio and I love every instructor. So supportive, kind and hard working. It's been such a joy going every week, even with the awful snow storm and lack of sidewalk cleaning ..and no cats on my walk cause of the cold (T_T)

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I'm feeling so strong and finally taking my health seriously. I'm still struggling with eating and have to force myself to take protein shakes so my muscles don't atrophy but this is the first time where I'm really starting to feel the strength, confidence and trying to take my diet seriously cause I want more muscles!!! I even started to go to physiotherapy to fix my popping hips which seem to be from weakness and hyper-mobility (I had no idea I had hypermobility in some of my joints which means I have to be even better at strengthening them to prevent injury (>_<).

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I still have some really crappy days and my hand sweating has been sporadic and annoying to say the least. But looking back I unlocked so many moves, and it felt like my best months (yet, hopefully hehe).

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My inverts are feeling more controlled, I can do a just-okay aerial invert and my spin invert..is getting there ha, shoulder mount, flatline, butterfly and extended, leg switches, baby valentine, vortex, allegra, meat hook (ew), jade split (debatable split..), the list goes on! And i'm starting to feel less goofy on spin!! I never thought i'd be where I am today and honestly I think I'm a terribly slow learner, I don't think I have any talent LMAO, and I seriously lack spatial awareness (hence the 3 toe injuries.....) but I'm really proud of how resilient I am. I gotta put this on my Survivor application (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

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And socially.. I'm really trying to get out of my shell. I went snow tubing with a friend I met through pole with her friends which was really lovely (and so anxiety inducing but I'm glad I did it!!), I went to a pole show with her as well and met up with another friend I made through pole. A girl I remembered in my pole 2 class was in my inversions class and we connected and she's been really sweet. I feel like I got closer to instructors and met so many new ones! And i've been working on duo shapes with the person I started my pole journey with and I'm trying to yoink her to my new studio hehe.. I still have days where I just don't want to speak to anyone and i've given my space to start cancelling and not feel as bad about it (within reason), but I've been pushing myself to be okay with discomfort because I realize that is where noticeable growth comes from.

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Halloween

Halloween felt like a week this year (..last year??), which was such a treat. I did a pole group recording with my girlies and we were dressed up so HOT. (//ω//) I was a silent hill nurse and it was fun combining pole and dress up (i'm convinced pole and cosplay is something I need to consider tapping into LMAO). I also went to a pole halloween showcase which was the best showcase I've seen yet and we got to do our yearly Halloween get together which was nice. I tried to go out again this year on the halloween walk but it felt extra anxious and oddly kind of lonely? Idk, I think my brain is just silly sometimes but overall another great Halloween.

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Skating

I took ice skating lessons with my husband and it was such a fun time, despite how far the arena was LMAO. The instructors were really friendly and I was surprised that some part of my brain remembered my figure skating days and was able to pick things up relatively quickly. (ง •̀_•́)ง What was even more surprising was seeing how quickly Andrew picked things up. I genuinely think Andrew has the gift of learning well and hopefully he doesn't read this cause my lil ego can't admit this to him hehe

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Boston

After our trip to Chicago, I was a little apprehensive of american cities. I just really don't like car-centric cities, which unfortunately writes off 90% of NA cities, ha.. But we ended up visiting Boston on a whim and I actually really loved it?

The folks there were really friendly and polite. The public transportation was surprisingly solid and really well interconnected. The diner food was..ugh, I still think about it. I would love to visit again and we've talked about visiting in the May. It's definitely a city I don't write off and we genuinely considered moving there but alas..the election has kind of soured that unfortunately. America just gives me too much anxiety right now - not that Canada is perfect - far from, but what's happening in America is truly fascinating in all the worst ways. It gives me a great deal of anxiety and I feel this intense level of cognitive dissonance. I go to work everyday as if none of this is happening and we don't speak of this. Doug Ford getting elected yesterday really sucked too. I don't want to get too sad with this post, but I really hope we look for community during these times. In these truly fucked up times, I feel blessed that i'm able to connect with others on a personal level about this, and on that note..

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My ex-bestfriend

I dreaded writing about this and it's what put me off the blog for so many months. I don't want to filter myself because I want to re-visit (and often do) these posts and reflect on different times of my life. I also know she has no idea of the existence of this blog and very few people do at all.

So here goes...I was friends with her for 15 years and I know she wasn't perfect. I know she had her red flags but I always felt that she meant well. At her core, I felt like she was a good person despite her flaws. I don't give people this benefit of the doubt very often (and I recognize that's an issue I need to address). But I really, genuinely cared and loved her and that's why I overlooked so many red flags.

I don't think our breakup was political in nature but it was the nail in the proverbial coffin. I think she's an impressionable person and I knew her partner was right leaning when we first met. Little off handed comments here and there that we tried to overlook. I genuinely did like her husband, I could tell he cared for her and she was happy and that's all I cared about so whether he was right leaning or not wasn't of concern to me. I wanted her to be happy. But the comments started to get much and during this time she had asked me to promise to tell her if anything she did or said bothered me. It felt like the best opportunity - so one day I did, and she took the feedback really well. As I mentioned earlier, I think growth comes from discomfort. Being able to be honest and opening up these difficult dialogues. I've done this with another friend despite how anxious it made me and I think we became closer as a result. So I assumed the same would happen here. And it really felt like it did.

But slowly, I could tell she was pulling away - her reasoning being that they just bought a home and she needed to save money. I offered to visit, I offered to pay for things, I didn't care when she missed my birthday and I didn't care that I felt neglected. Because I thought she was stressed and needed her space. So I gave her space but reminded her that I was there and that I missed her. I invited her out every time I had get togethers, even when she judged my friends harshly for whatever reason. This was the friendship that I poured myself into that I really, genuinely tried to grow from as impartially as possible. And all of a sudden it came crashing down when I texted her that I'm upset about Trump getting elected. I went to her for comfort and it ended up exploding in my face. Out of nowhere she was attacking me and my character and I kept trying to not make it personal. I got on a call with her so she could berate me in disguise of feedback, which I tried to take. I told her I loved her before the call ended and she said okay and hung up.

The next few weeks were awful and I didn't know where we stood. So I emailed her 2 weeks later and that ended even worse, so many things she resented me for, so many assumptions that she never decided to bring up until this breaking point. It felt like she was just trying to hurt me and it really hurt. I don't think I've ever been this hurt by another friend, or really anyone in my life. She asked me to be honest with her and I was, but she couldn't do the same for me. I just couldn't do it anymore and I defended myself and I question if I should've done that or if I should've just let it go. I don't know. Maybe a bigger person would've just let her say what she needed to say and walk away. I'm glad I never stooped down and berated her the way she did but I wish I had just walked away.

I still miss her and I'll always care for her - despite how much she hurt me. I don't think we can ever be friends again unless she genuinely reflects on how she treated me. I wasn't a perfect friend but I never purposely tried to hurt her the way she did. But despite all of this, I don't think she's a bad person, I think she's damaged. I know her life hasn't been easy and I know her mental health wasn't well. I sometimes worry about her and wish I could be there for her even despite everything but I know she's a resilient person and it's what drove me to her in the first place. Even though writing this hurts and I'm just word vomiting at this point - I hope your life from here on out just keeps getting better.

Therapy

My life these past few months have felt like extremes. I got promoted the same week I got my German passport confiscated from the embassy (don't even get me started lmao..we fighting that (・`ω´・)), I went on a pole girlie date and then had the worst friendship breakup of my life, we saved up a quarter of a million (insane to write) but I can't fathom buying in this economy, I have a Montreal roadtrip with pole girlies and yet I still feel incredibly lonely when it comes to friendships and I don't know why, the world is insane right now but at least I'm stretching lmao, idk. So many ups and downs.

I'm glad I still go to therapy regularly and I'm glad I'm learning more tools to regulate my emotions. Emotional dysregulation is the biggest thing I struggle with. I feel anger and sadness so deeply that it physically hurts. It really fucking sucks. But I'm learning ways to manage that and prevent myself from getting to that point of what feels like no return with my ruminations. I do see real progress though. I don't hurt myself nearly as often as I did. It used to be a monthly maybe even weekly occurrence but I've gone months without it. I still slip and I feel embarrassed and upset with myself, like i'm a child that just can't grow up. But I recognize that I'm trying to undo 20+ years of abuse.

I don't want to feel ruled by my emotions, I want to be able to process them and understand what they are trying to tell me. For so many years I thought I had to push them away. My mom felt too much and that didn't end up well. I kept telling myself that I don't want to be like her, I don't want to end up like her. So clearly I need to learn to feel less. I know people have viewed me as overly sensitive and it's something that I always struggled with and felt embarrassed about. But therapy has taught me that is fundamentally wrong. Emotions just want to be heard. They literally exist to keep us alive. I don't feel too much, I just don't know what my feelings are trying to tell me and how to process that. Processing the emotion is what needs to happen, not shutting it down like so many of us do.

Growth comes from discomfort. I put off changing my name for years despite it never feeling like my own because I was scared of telling people and gauging their reaction. There were so many moments and events in my life where I let discomfort win. And despite all the ups and downs in 2024, I think it's the first time in my life where I feel immense growth that I can't even try to ignore.

On that note, thanks for tuning in stranger see you again next time. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

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#favourites