oops, spring favorites!!
Is it too late to do a spring favorites post when we're halfway through summer already LMAO („ಡωಡ„), something something time's arrow always points forward (and I clearly can't keep up, UGH).
I'll just word vom for this post to ease back into things (hopefully). Spring was pretty eventful:
Media
- Favorite song: Found Love by Sofya Wang. Obsessed would put it lightly. During the pole showcase someone did a routine to this song and I am so moved and amazed with their routine and this song choice was perfection. Literally gave me chills.
- Favorite album: Reanimation by Linkin Park. This album goes hard LOL and I feel blessed that Andrew brought it to my attention (although I am clearly 22 years late oops).
- Favorite album #2: I Contain Flashing Images - No Mana. What a solid album, nothing else to say except Luxor Aeterna is poggies!
- Favorite Show: Severance IS SO GOOD. JUST WATCH IT. I'M POSITIVE YOU'LL LIKE IT. (I am 2 years late I think though, oops).
- Favorite Game: This department has been lacking this season but I've been playing Part Time UFO on the Switch again as of recently and trying to 100% it (big oof).. I hope HAL Laboratory gets a break from Kirby and their regular IPs and makes more new IPs cause they're great!
Mini experiences
We saw the total eclipse!! I didn't think I cared much for these things but it was breathtaking seeing the world in totality and hearing the birds stop chirping and the street lights come on during the "day". We went to Aldershot on a whim and didn't expect much since the weather was cloudy. But lo and behold the clouds parted just on time, what a treat! I want to see more of these events and I'm totally down to travel for them which past me would've thought was silly. Tim Urban did a great write up on the eclipse and why it felt so special.
I got another raise and my manager said he wants to put me in the promotion cycle next cycle (IDK imposter syndrome is telling me no tho also who knows about job security anymore!!!!)
My loans are completely paid off, yippee!! (technically was mostly paid off a while back but I had 1k remaining that I was staggering cause I didn't want it to hurt my credit score - so dumb how that's a thing lmao..) I can't believe I used to cry about never paying off my loans and thinking I would be such an awful partner and undesirable because of them, it was a total 50k not including my bootcamp fees that I paid off in <2 years. Wild! Maybe not financially the best decision in terms of how low the interest was but the mental load it got rid of was priceless
I got a tamagotchi from japan LOL, one of the oldschool ones cause buying it from japan is 20 bucks rather than 100$ smh (also opened the doors to mercari oops) was super fun and I ordered another model last month that has yet to arrive...........kuchipachi where are you!!! (╥_╥)
Many friend get togethers, someday we will learn amioglabnaiaha w.e its called LMAO. Also being more vulnerable with friends and telling them when I miss them rather than thinking im a burden - clearly worked out for the better idk why past me was so resistant to that (im a baka)
Saw my first pole showcase, it was so much fun and I will be hooting and hollaring someday too
So many art markets!! glad they're popping back up, esp the grassroot ones (ocadu market, tomo arts)
Went climbing for the first time in a hot minute and I'm so much stronger!! And it was even more fun.. someday I will get you that course that will not exist when im back - being horizontal(?) is so hard and requires so much upper body + core that I will hopeful keep gaining with pole
Setup a spin pole, had it come crashing down and breaking my mirror and then bought another one a month later that I'm still learning to trust lol (´-ω-`( _ _ ) but I did learn 1 spin move so far (ballerina!!)
Saw the women's(???) exhibit with a friend at the AGO, was really nice and so many beautiful paintings! fun to talk about art with someone who does art too
many pictures at photo booths!! I'm glad these are popping up again, I used to love taking sticker photos at china town/pmall back in highschool LOL I want to collect many more and with more friends
Saw no mana live finally (so good)!!
Went to a bussin friend's wedding (my first pakistani one - FOOD WAS SO GOOD)
Went to my first melee major and watched Andrew compete (extreme poggies), also met a long time twitch/dota friend for the first time in person hehe. I never realized how fun watching melee live was and how chill all the pros were (Mang0 is my fav uwu). Also the Toronto melee community is really friendly and welcoming. We were in the front row and experiencing the hbox popoff was NUTS LMAO also people really loved my dumb sign. Maybe we'll go to Riptide cause I'm kinda hooked..
Went to wonderland after like... 4 years???, got the fast pass for the first time and thought I was gonna vom and Andrew blacked out (we clearly don't know how to pace ourselves, we went on the yukon and leviathan back to back multiple times cause we wanted to make the fast pass feel worth it lmaooo....), was really fun though especially being in the front row - I am sold on fast passes! We almost didn't go through with it but just standing in line for 20mins with young kids in extreme heat made me want to scream (￣□￣」) I make enough money to treat myself every now and then..
Learned how to make espresso at home (figured out the grind, literally and metaphorically). Also starting to get the hang of latte art (I can only make a heart..(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧)
Experiences
Idk why I put this into another section but writing so much in point form made it hard to read so I'm splitting the chunkier stuff into subheadings I guess
West End & Buying
More walkies and exploring the west end (I'm obsessed with Junction/High Park area - kinda reminds me of Greenpoint but thankfully a bit cheaper lol still mad expensive tho smh). SO MANY CATS, I LOVE THEM. I also love the urbanism and I can tell it's just going to get better. I love watching people bike around and the neighborhoods are so quiet and there's a lot of local mom and pops around the corner. Beautiful parks and I love the bridge near the go station.
We're buckling down to buy in the next year if (knock on wood) we maintain our job security and we don't get the urge to flee from Canada heh. Spooky times right now in tech/canada/the world so I'm accounting for having 6 months of mortgage savings, plus closing costs surprised us - why does it exist??? On top of paying off my loans, I've saved up 150k and in total we have 175k so far (insane to me)! I never thought I'd see these numbers in my life and we're on track for buying 800-900sqft - I'm just being very picky with the location and layout so we're in it for the long haul.
Started also using a manual expense tracker, I'm putting this as an experience cause it's so time consuming LMAO..we manually put EVERYTHING in. It's been really helpful - I don't think I've ever been bad with money but I know I could be better. It's super granular and I also have another sheet tracking investments and savings so we have a holistic view alongside of it to make sure we're on track (and that's also manual.. lol). I'm convinced having these systems be manual is what helps keep us on track since not only is it painful to see where your money is actually going..it's also painful to specify the category, price, data, and reason and do all the manual entry. (ノωヽ)
Chicago & "Home"
We visited our friends in Chicago for my birthday weekend and did so much exploring (*・ω・)ﾉ It sadly made me realize that I like Toronto so much more which kinda sucks cause TOronto is EXPENSIVE and moving somewhere else was an "easy choice"/grass is greener on the other side. I think I expected perfection in order for me to come to terms with losing my support network and all my friends and the life I made for myself in Toronto (which is impossible).
I think also I learned that I do not like car centric cities (which is..most NA cities unfortunately lol). I also really value multiculturalism and it seems like many cities have problems with segregation and Chicago glaringly has that problem, especially after the pandemic. My therapist told me whatever decision I make doesn't need to be permanent and I can always revisit it which ..duh but my brain seems to have trouble with that thinking. Can I get a city that's a combination of Japan's urbanism, Toronto/NY's multiculturalism, and Norway's bike infrastructure/work culture???!! If this exists..let me know! LMAO
That being said there's a lot about Chicago that I liked. I liked how green it was, how friendly people are, the portion sizes (we eventually started just splitting one meal together cause it's SO MUCH FOOD LMAO), I liked how a lot of the subway was above ground, all the parks and museums (I saw a butterfly conservatory and was able to watch some butterflies fly for the first time!) and the architecture was really beautiful. I'm sure I'll visit again and maybe someday it'll be my home, who knows.
Pole && Erotic (hehe)
Crazy how 6 months ago I couldn't even watch a recording of myself (let alone record myself) and now I look forward to reviewing my recordings after class - no matter how goofy or awkward I look lol. The growth has been unimaginable and I'm finally starting to gain some self-esteem??? I even take screenshots of my recordings and admire my body (SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I STILL HATE IT BUT WE GOT PROGRESS YALL WITH MY BODY DYSMORPHIA). Erotic pole has been so out of my comfort zone and i remember crying in the washroom a few times feeling so incredibly stupid/slow and unattractive. I still have these intrusive thoughts but they're becoming quieter. I think I'm just really hard on myself both physically and mentally. I don't feel like I learn quickly and I'm constantly battling my own brain. I don't know how to take up space if that makes sense. I feel really good complimenting other girlies and seeing them succeed but I can't seem to do the same for myself. But I'm sure this is a muscle I need to grow, self-compassion isn't something I seem to have learned and it's something I'm working on with my therapist so I'm positive it'll get better.
On a happier note - I'm so much stronger and I love seeing my body become more toned and little muscles peeking out. I can do pull ups WHAT!!!!! My friends have complimented my legs (which has always been one of my biggest insecurities) and it feels really validating having other girlies uplift you! Andrew always compliments me and says he loves me and my body but it just hits a little different coming from other women haha. Also I am so much more flexible! I'm so close to front split I can feel it!!! I also got my straddle invert a few months ago (but it's been on and off - but i never thought I'd ever get here). And my new found (intermittent) confidence has been spilling into other parts of my life. I'm starting to feel more comfortable striking up conversations with people and even doing some dancing for Andrew ha.... On a last note, if I could show you where I started with body waves and where I'm at now you'd be in disbelief - I'm in disbelief! I feel a little uncomfy sharing here but pole is all about getting out of my comfort zone so if any stranger wants to follow me pole journey you can find me at @whiterabbitpole. (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) I can't wait to do a lil video of my 1 year progress!
Therapy & Cassettes
Therapy has been going really well but it's been really hard. Really really hard. I still see my therapist biweekly (and would see her weekly if I could budget for it, ugh). We're still going over my family trauma. I started to digitize cassettes of my childhood and it's been ..an experience. Heartbreaking and heartwarming. I just don't even know how to put it into words. Most of these cassettes I have never seen. Seeing my mom and dad together (and my dad was my age in some of them!!), seeing my little nugget self so happy and silly and then seeing the vacations I took with my mom as a teenager and some of the verbal abuse I dealt with..recorded on tape. Surreal. Andrew watched all of them with me and he hugged me telling me it felt like he experienced some of my trauma and that made me even more sad. Sad how "fucked up" I am. I remember crying to my therapist about the experience and how I feel so incredibly broken. I feel like I am incapable of loving and incapable of feeling love. I remember one night crying to Andrew that he deserves so much more. He had hugged me and told me I deserve love and it completely shattered me. I vividly remember sobbing in his arms and feeling so much love from him and wanting to give that back, wanting to be able to give that back to him. Nobody has ever told me that and nobody has ever made me feel loved in the way Andrew does. He keeps reminding me of how much I've grown and how I'm doing so much better - which I guess is hard for me to process because deep down I still feel broken. I remember unpacking that with my therapist and sobbing - the second time that happened in therapy after telling her about my mom's suicide. Therapy is so fucking hard but I look forward to it every time and I think that shows I hit the jackpot with my therapist at least.
On a happier note, my relationship with my dad has been slowly but steadily improving. We email frequently and it's not surface level things like..the weather or politics. I feel like he genuinely wants to know about me and I've been sending him the digitized cassettes and he's been telling me some back stories about them. I'm really happy that he's coming back into my life in a more genuine way.
On the last topic of therapy, I've been thinking of medication and have started discussion adhd with my primary. Something I never even considered I had because of how it's stereotypically presented in media and how it isn't as well studied in adults let alone women. My primary asked me to do a self-assessment and it was..eye opening to say the least. We'll see where this goes but I'm feeling hopeful that I can at least get some answers.
Anywho - I think I missed a lot of stuff but I'm glad I wrote..something before summer wrapped up and I was two seasons down oops. (∪｡∪)｡｡｡zzZ
