(ΦᴥΦ) pocket thoughts

oops...summer favorites??

Ahh.......I have once again..neglected my blog..and it's fall oops. Let's just get into it (ಡ‸ಡ)

Media

Favorite song/s

Kind of a quiet season for music for me, I think a lot of what I've been listening to is some oldies since I went through my YT to rediscover music. I had a period where I was listening to Madison Beer's "Make You Mine" on repeat embarrassingly long time but I'm not going to include that (even tho I just did LMAO). Summer felt like an alt rock season..

Oldie but goodie, dreaming of making a pole reel to this song the day my booty is feeling peak booty.

Been in a Cage the Elephant mood and I rediscovered this song in the summer (music video is truly traumatic).

I adored Cults! Glad I rediscovered them (also they blew up??)

A little different but I'm equally as happy to rediscover this song.

And I thought I knew the entire Radiohead discography but I seem to have somehow avoided this song and it's quickly become one of my favourites.

Okay, whew 2 more songs!

A new song to add and a hidden gem that I have no recollection of how I found. I adore this song though, it's very much high school love jujus and I showed this song to my husb and he liked it too (so maybe we're roleplaying being in highschool and sending each other burned cds hehe..)

And another "new one" for me that I discovered while walking into my pole class a little early and getting a sneak peek of this song for an erotic choreo (I kinda wish I signed up for that class now....... music makes such a difference for how in my head I am.)

Favorite Album

Ok, putting "Ok Computer" as a favorite album for a list is so... LMAO ʕ •̀ o •́ ʔ but I got nothing else and that's what I listened to the most so W.E

Favorite Shows/Movies

Favorite Games

Experiences

Pole

I got an at home spin pole and a crash mat! Spin has been really nice but also very scary because..my last spin pole came crashing down while I was on it (thankfully only broke my mirror). So I use it very sparingly. But I've been slowly learning to trust this thing and combat my nausea. Spin is such a different beast from static, I feel so weak and also trying to control the momentum is jarring.

I also graduated to 8in heels and good lord I wish I was this tall all the time. (つ . •́ _ʖ •̀ .)つ I feel like a dommy mommy LMAO. I def rolled my ankle a few times but I'm finally starting to feel more comfy in them and they LOOK SO GOOD. Erotic heel classes have quickly become my fav and I adore the instructor too.

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My inverts are finally more controlled and I even got a shoulder mount (only on my right side..oops). I'm feeling so much stronger and I can even see a hint of abs and obliques peeking through...

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And lastly, I'm SO CLOSE TO MY FRONT SPLITS UGH. I've been using Dani Wink's guides to finally learn how to get more bendy properly and it's been an incredible resource. Hopefully my next update will have me with my front splits....

Pursuit OCR & Climbing

We had a solid group for Pursuit OCR and it was so fun! I felt like a kid without..kids around which was really nice lmao. I also surprised myself with my strength and some of the stuff I was able to do which I can't imagine being able to do a year ago.

Husbie got a climbing pass near my pole studio and I've joined him once already and planning to go with him a bit more often (I have to pace myself now cause pole is so hard ): ). We also went with friends earlier and that was also a great time, especially since one of them is experienced with climbing so had a lot of helpful tips. The second half of that day was me dicking around with a friend doing pole floor moves on the mats LMAO. Again, I was so surprised with my strength and all the things I can do that I couldn't do before. I could pull myself up horizontally, I could do higher level courses even though I have no idea what I'm doing and def doing things unnecessarily hard (I don't use my legs oopsie). IMG_7287

Like who is she??????? (sorry for obnoxious but this is the era of self love!!!!) IMG_7267

Veld

Veld this year was special because I got to see Kaskade not only once but twice and the self-control not to destroy my brain was incredible. Day 1 we met up with a group who adopted us from Radiate, they were really friendly and welcoming. But day 2.....LORD. We decided to be sober day 2 so we could go to the Kaskade after party and go wild. I'm honestly very impressed with 1) enjoying Veld sober (I think only Kaskade could do this) 2) having self control not to go overboard. During the Veld set, a gorgeous girlie next to me traded Kandi with me (MY FIRST TIME!!) She was so sweet and we were chatting a bit about our partners - she's moving to America for her partner and I told her Andrew moved to Canada for me. Honestly 10/10 wholesome experience. IMG_5943 IMG_5970

The after party was so incredible. Kaskade is my favorite EDM artist and is who got me into EDM in the first place and I can't believe it took so long to see him but it was the perfect time. I'm glad his after party set was darker too. I can't believe we subway'd our asses from Veld straight to the after party and had enough energy to dance until 3am LMAO (I guess with a lil help). We met up with our Radiate friend's group there too and I got my 2nd kandi exchange, yippy!! IMG_5985

I'm conflicted on if I want to do Veld again, I don't think I like outdoor festivals as much and the crowd def makes/breaks the experience and I feel like Veld attracts a lot of drunk alpha wannabe males. Thankfully didn't have any of that impact me this year but whenever I'm finding a spot in the crowd I always try to find the optimal jujus. I feel like I'd prefer clubs or warehouses - maybe it's time to explore techno warehouses after I give my brain a much needed break. IMG_5974

Ireland

I got to go to Dublin on a work trip and bring Andrew with me. I was on the fence about going because we're trying to save up for our first house but I'm really glad I went. I don't think I'd end up in Ireland any other way LOL. It was nice seeing more of my coworkers in person and I got to bond with one of them about ADHD (she's also my fav coworker all around!!) I hung out with our intern a lot and tried to keep her company since it was her first company event. We ate breakfast together with Andrew which was really cute lmao. I forget how young the interns are now! (◕ᴥ◕) We had more team bonding things this time - we went to a museum together and all the girlies hung out together. The closing part was also insane - we rented out the entire Guinness building and it was ENORMOUS (how we afford this stuff is beyond me).

And lastly, we got to visit the outskirts of Dublin (Howthe Cliffs) on a day trip with one of my ex coworkers from my last company who I got into my current company (IT WAS SO UNNECESSARILY HARD, I truly became a lil bit of a Karen during that exp). We also took a day trip towards Innismore. It was a cloudy day but it was still really lovely. So many cows, sheeps and horses!! It felt like a much needed mini vacation even though it was technically a work trip hehe. IMG_6903 IMG_6909

House

House hunting is still very much in-progress and somewhat demoralizing. We got approved for over 1mil..which is mind boggling. I can't fathom having that much debt (not even including the insane interest you'd pay over a 25 year term, interest rates are "low" but not low enough when people need 25 basis points decrease to make ends meet when housing is this expensive..) I was freaking out never paying off my 50k+ in student debt and the relief of paying that off was unimaginable. So how can I come to terms with having 700k, 800k..a million in debt? And the more I learn about mortgages the more I'm like what??? You can't pay them off early without fees/caps on the amount. So you're mostly committed to 25 years of interest. UGH.

Anyways, we saved up 20% downpayment and 6~ month of savings and can "comfortably" afford an 850k mortgage plus savings but..I don't know. In the areas we're looking at, there's a few places we liked but the timing didn't work out (or our ex-realtor dissuaded us by saying it would go for x much more..which it didn't, we have a new realtor now lol). But regardless, it's just a very hard pill to swallow. It's hard not having generational wealth and family to fall back on. Buying a home is a huge risk, we'd instantly lose 200k~ in savings and in this tech market - I wonder if that's a wise decision. What if we both lost our jobs? Could one of us get a job in 6 months? What if it pays less?.. my thoughts clearly always go to the worse case scenarios but that's how I've survived after my mom passed. Always accounting for the worse but hoping for the best.

I also don't know how tech will be in 5..10 years, will I always be making this much money?? Is there a chance I make less? And if so how much will that impact our ability to live comfortably and not be house poor? I value experiences over physical things but..having a house is an experience too. How can I plan for 25 years from now.. how does anyone do it when mortgages are insane in Toronto? I've always been very anxious..type "a" so I feel like this is a decision that will ultimately be a gut feeling.

We've considered other cities as well but.. I don't want to live somewhere car centric which deletes like 90%+ NA cities lmao. I'm in the process of renewing my German citizenship so maybe that could open up more doors in the future. But I also just love Toronto, I don't feel like there's a city quite like this anywhere else except maybe NY to some degree,..maybe Montreal too somewhat lol? I love my support network here. I've been making new friends from pole and just trying to be more of a "yes" person and it's been going really well. Can I do this all over again in a new city? We'll see where my gut leads me. For now we're pausing our search until after the new year, see where my company is at and Andrew's.

Therapy & ADHD

And on a final note, I want to write a bit about therapy. Last bloggies, I wrote about my ADHD diagnosis. And I didn't realize just how bad it was until I forgot to take one of my pills. Everything was so noisy, I couldn't focus and it made me feel so incredibly anxious - general and socially. I'm in my head more so I ruminate over thoughts rather than just speaking. Not to say I just blurt out whatever while medicated, but there's less moments of second guessing myself.. am I saying something dumb? Too personal? Weird? That voice is quieter which is nice.

In terms of work, I've always been fuelled by stress and anxiety. At my last company, I had 150% focus. At my current company it wavers, if there isn't an impending deadline my focus is up in the air. Not to say I don't get my work done, but the stress needs to be amp'd up and that is obviously not healthy. But I noticed with Vyvanse that my focus is more "sticky" now. I tell myself I'll check an email and then make myself a coffee (decaf sadly...) and then 6hrs later I haven't moved from my desk. So not the best either. I know I need to find a healthy balance. I don't want to be fuelled by stress but I also don't want to be work mode for hours on end with no breaks. Andrew tried to set alarms on my smart watch but when I'm in the zone I don't even notice them..

So it made me wonder if maybe my dose is too high? But on a lower dose I crash around 5-6pm and feel like poopoo. I'm pretty happy with this dose otherwise so I imagine I just need to build some healthier habits. I know I can't rely on this drug forever so I should spend this time to build good habits.

And in terms of therapy, it's been going really well - no changes there! I prefer doing in-person (and thankfully my therapist is a 5min walk), so when my therapist told me she'll be in another city for a month and suggested tele appointments.. I was apprehensive. But it felt like any other appointment and I think that speaks to the strength and my bond with my therapist. At least I know that if I ever move cities, I can keep working with my therapist. This is the first therapist that has made it to the (almost) 1 year mark and I don't see myself changing therapists. I genuinely have no complaints (except maybe the price LMAO).

This happened post-summer but I wanted to speak about it a bit here. I talked to my therapist about how Oct all the way through December is very hard for me. I lost my mom in November but the events leading up to it happened in October. And then the holidays just suck a little bit more because of not having her around. She suggested I have a ritual for her. It could be writing to her, taking a moment to just sit and think about her, or going somewhere. I instantly thought about going to the beach and bringing her jasmine flowers because it was our favorite flower and what my grandmother used to grow in her garden. The smell reminds me of my mom and my grandmother and it's been a comforting scent. Sadly..jasmines are not in season this time of the year. But Andrew was so thoughtful and surprised me with white flowers that were close enough! ⸜( ˊᵕˋ )⸝

And so I went to the beach because my mom loved the water. She had asked me in her brief suicide note to spread her ashes in the water and I had done that half-haphazardly because I didn't want to do that. I wanted to respect her wishes but it made me so angry that she even asked me to do that. But I let those thoughts go. I sat on the beach with the flowers in my hand. Andrew stood next to me silently. And I just thought about her. I let myself just feel everything. I'm sure I felt every emotion possible. And for the first time I spoke to her, not in a pleading way like I usually did. I used to plead for her to give me a sign, to know she's watching over me even though.. I don't even believe in the afterlife. I was convinced that my mom's love for me would be so strong that it would transcend science. But it didn't. So instead I spoke to her and imagined how she would respond to me. My therapist told me that when we know someone that well, there's a good chance we'll know what they would say to us. So I essentially roleplayed my mom which feels silly to type and I'm kinda cackling at that thought. But it was really nice. I caught her up to what has happened in my life since she passed. I cried and then I tossed the flowers in the water and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I'm hoping to make this a yearly thing, it'd be nice to look forward to something during those heavy months.

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Anywho, pray for me that I won't neglect my blog for this long again. (ง ื▿ ื)ว See ya later www

#favourites